Full circle

Just a quick update on my dad.

It is strange, but as the Alzheimer's has worked its way though my dad and his personality, he has been regressing. Mum would find the only way to deal with him was as a child - watching him all the time. Then when he went into the home, he became like a young child.

Now he has almost come full circle. Mum saw him yesterday, and he was asleep. "Sleeping like a baby" is a much used cliche, but according to my mum, that was how he was yesterday. He was deeply asleep, not twitching or restless, but just fast asleep. All his needs are the same as a baby needs - food, warmth and security. These the home are providing. His interactions with people are like a baby - touch is all that seems to get through. He sometimes seems to be close to recognizing a face, but that is all. It is as if he has gone through the storms of life, and the hurricane of Alzheimer's, and has reached calm still waters beyond.

And this is making me cry so I can't write any more

Anyone who had a heart...

...may be pleased to know that I do too. And after a visit to the one stop heart clinic, I am reasonably confident that it is in good condition.

This was a follow-up to the scare when I was in hospital last month. I had had to cancel the first appointment I received as I was on nights, so this morning I went toddling off to the hospital. The bad news is that I have put on a lot of weight since I started at the sxwitchboard (I expected to put some on, but not as much as I had!). After weighing, I was then wired up to the ECG and given the treadmill test. This involves walking on the treadmill until I reached '100%' of my heart rate (this is calculated as 220 beats per minute less 1 for each year of your age (work it out for yourselves, I can't be bothered to give you the answer)). Anyway, the treadmill starts off really slowly, which is hard to get used to. The pace increases, and it also simulates climbing a hill. This suprised me - if I climb a hill I go slower as the hill gets steeper! Oh well, what do I know?

Anyway, I reached my 100%, and then they slow down the treadmill and monitor heart and blood pressure for 6 minutes. The upshot is that there is no evidence of irregular beats or heart murmer, and no sign of heart disease. It is almost certainly gastric reflux, so I keep taking the medicine for that. As for the palpitations at night, they will have to be dealt with as I am having real problems getting to sleep. So heigh-ho, back to the doctor again!

Waiting...

Yes we keep waiting...

Dad is in hospital again. He was taken in on Monday, with problems swallowing. At first we thought it was an infection in his throat, which worried us as he has never had any problems there. When he got to hospital, they found he had a urinary infection (again!), probably caused by the catheter. They have treated that, and he has been able to eat something (which he had not been doing), so maybe it was just that the infection put him off his food.

Mum went to see him tonight. My sister-in-law went with her, and she was able to get some sort of a reaction. She held his hand, and he did keep touching her. It seems that touch is the only way to have any connection to him. And how can we know what he feels?

Does God understand Alzheimer's? Am I going to be the next one to catch it (after his mother and him)? It does scare me.

All I need to know about life...

I learned from my cat.

• Life is hard, then you nap
• Curiousity never killed anything except maybe a few hours
• When in doubt, cop an attitude
• Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day annoy them
• Climb your way to the top - that's why the drapes are there
• Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face
• Find your place in the nsun - especially if it happens to be on that nice pile of warm clean laundry
• Make your mark in the world - or at least spray in each corner
• When eating out, think nothing of sending your meal back twenty or thirty times
• If you are not receieving enough attention, try knocking over several expensive antique lamps
• Always give generously - a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells them "I care."

F-f-f-f-f-Friday

Yes - it is Friday. The end of the working week (I wish!) I am on nights, so the end of my working week would normally be 8am Monday morning. However, since I started this set of nights early i am also finishing it early, and am done at 8am Sunday. Then a nice few days off until Thursday evening at 4.

Night shift. Most people at work say they hate it. I really don't mind it that much. Yes it is inconvenient in that you lose all the day (and it is strange going to bed as it is getting light and waking up as it is getting dark), but I do like it. Maybe because I live on my own, I am used to keeping myself occupied. I can read or knit or sew - there is the radio or TV for company - and the kettle is only a few steps away. What more could you want?

Getting heated to keep cool

Oh, the joys of owning appliances.

6 weeks ago, I took delivery of a nice shiny new fridge/freezer. It did everything I wanted it to (kept the milk cold and froze the apples I put in it). This morning, I came downstairs, opened the door and the little light did not come on. FIrst thought was that the sockets had tripped out, so I checked the box and everything was fine. Next thought was that the fuse or the socket were faulty - but I tested them and they passed.

Soooooooooooooo - off to work and call the company I got the fridge from. To save them from embarrassment, I will call them by the acronym MEA. I finally managed to get appliance repairs on the phone, and they said they would go and look at it in the afternoon. Then I had to find someone who would house-sit until they had gone. Thank goodness for my friend Dot - she rushed her morning and house-sat from 1 until 4 - she is a good friend!

So eventually he turned up and looked at the appliance. I then got a call, the gist of which was that it needed a new part, and would be fixed in the middle of next week.

As you can imagine, I was not prepared to accept that! I rang the appliance repair centre, and got no reply. Eventually, I got the appliance repairs manager - someone who understood that I could not live without a fridge for nearly a week. He promised to arrange a replacement.

So then it was contact with the showroom, who did not have another of the one I had. They instead offered me a bigger one. And not only was it bigger but cheaper too, so I asked if they would reverse the doors for me (which they agreed to). Itr was only after they agreed that they checked the original purchase and found it was a manager's special! However, they had agreed so that was that.

Now I just have to replace the lost food. Let me think how many lots of smoked salmon do I have in there, I wonder...?

Incoming clouds

I am sure you have all seen it. You stand somewhere, the sky is blue, the sun is out and all seems peaceful and safe. Then, from almost nowhere, the clouds come in, and before long, you are surrounded by heavy clouds.

I get that happening now. I was in one of my favourite places and times tonight - evening service at St Luke's, Baldwin. From going to the service in a positive mood, the clouds came and I was crying in my pew. I didn't go up for Communion, I didn't sing the last hymn, I didn't take part in any of the last third of the service - I just sat and cried.

Afterwards, the vicar and aa gentleman from the pew behind came and talked to me - which meant I could at least drive home. Trying to explain what it I am going through to someone who has not been through something similar feels like trying to describe green to someone born blind. The only way I could put it is that when the clouds come in, it is immobilizing. The fears, doubts and above all, the dragging feeling that adds weights to your limbs and your thoughts - to understand them needs a common frame of reference, which may people just don't have. It is not a lack of desire to understand; rather it is an inability to comprehend. The upshot of this incomprehension is an isolation - unable to break out and unable to explain to others how to break in.

I consider myself now disabled. Not to a great extent - but this is a disability that is affecting my life. And the effects are deeper than I thought.

I close with this thought from a user of mental health services.

“Mental illness is when the pain, distress and suffering inside your head and body is too much to bear and even the simple things in life prove too much.”

“People with Mental illness are viewed as weak by society. However, if society knew the pain, emotions, feelings and hurt these people are living with constantly, then they would in fact be viewed as the strongest people in society.”