Incoming clouds

I am sure you have all seen it. You stand somewhere, the sky is blue, the sun is out and all seems peaceful and safe. Then, from almost nowhere, the clouds come in, and before long, you are surrounded by heavy clouds.

I get that happening now. I was in one of my favourite places and times tonight - evening service at St Luke's, Baldwin. From going to the service in a positive mood, the clouds came and I was crying in my pew. I didn't go up for Communion, I didn't sing the last hymn, I didn't take part in any of the last third of the service - I just sat and cried.

Afterwards, the vicar and aa gentleman from the pew behind came and talked to me - which meant I could at least drive home. Trying to explain what it I am going through to someone who has not been through something similar feels like trying to describe green to someone born blind. The only way I could put it is that when the clouds come in, it is immobilizing. The fears, doubts and above all, the dragging feeling that adds weights to your limbs and your thoughts - to understand them needs a common frame of reference, which may people just don't have. It is not a lack of desire to understand; rather it is an inability to comprehend. The upshot of this incomprehension is an isolation - unable to break out and unable to explain to others how to break in.

I consider myself now disabled. Not to a great extent - but this is a disability that is affecting my life. And the effects are deeper than I thought.

I close with this thought from a user of mental health services.

“Mental illness is when the pain, distress and suffering inside your head and body is too much to bear and even the simple things in life prove too much.”

“People with Mental illness are viewed as weak by society. However, if society knew the pain, emotions, feelings and hurt these people are living with constantly, then they would in fact be viewed as the strongest people in society.”