Its finally happened

The decision has been made. I think it was a case of bad news long expected - dreaded yet still a relief that you know.

What am I burbling about? Well, dad has been in respite care for the last 12 days. Mum has been so much more at ease while he was there. I was worrying how she would cope when he came home (he was due home this Wednesday). She could hardly cope when I was there, even with the sitter overnight and me trying to help all I could in the day. I think we are all relieved that she has made the decision that she has.

Now comes the easy part. All we need to do now is find somewhere that can provide him the care he needs in an environment he will be happy in - a piece of cake.

Some additional news

Mum spoke to Social Services and he will not be coming home. He has another 2 weeks of respite and in that time, they will try to find somewhere suitable that will take him. So watch this space...
.

Alien encounter

Its eyes were the black bottomless holes of which nightmares are made. The face was cruel, cold, unsmiling. It betrayed no hint of humanity or brotherhood or compassion. One sensed only a primitive basic sort of intelligence. It spoke only in rhymes and the strange discourse that had been imprinted on the psyche. And it smelt familiarly of the trough and of inbred violence. Alien as they were to me, I had met this kind before and I knew what to say:

"Surely I wasn't speeeding officer?"

What if...?

What if? What if? What if? What if?

What if – I had taken another A level?
Worked harder at school, gone to Oxbridge
Taken the academic route?

What if – I had spent more time in my books,
And less with my girlfriend?
Should I have worked and studied more?

What if – I had stayed in the UK
Rather than moving to the island?
Would it be better to stay with what I knew
Rather than throwing it all in for something unknown?

What if – I had worked harder at my marriage?
Did I ask too much from her?
Expect more than I should?

What if – I hadn’t had problems at work?
Stayed there and stuck it out
Sat there and taken it all?

Stop.
Turn the page.
Close the book.
I am here
This is where I am
And when I am

What if – the future is better than the past?

Nik White

Christmas is really for the children

Christmas is really
for the children.
Especially for children
who like animals, stables,
stars and babies wrapped
in swaddling clothes.
Then there are wise men,
kings in fine robes,
humble shepherds and a
hint of rich perfume.

Easter is not really
for the children
unless accompanied by
a cream filled egg.
It has whips, blood, nails,
a spear and allegations
of body snatching.
It involves politics, God
and the sins of the world.
It is not good for people
of a nervous disposition.
They would do better to
think on rabbits, chickens
and the first snowdrop
of spring.

Or they'd do better to
wait for a re-run of
Christmas without asking
too many questions about
what Jesus did when he grew up
or whether there's any connection.

Steve Turner

Hold my hand Lord

Hold my hand Lord
Walk with me through the loneliness
And the valley of my sorrow.
Hold on to me when I am too afraid to think about tomorrow.
Let me lean on you Lord
When I'm too weary to go on.
Hold my hand Lord through the night
Until I see the light of dawn.

Author unknown

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice
You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I should not feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,
you have failed me, strange as it may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen
Not talk or do - just hear me
and I can do for myself; I am not helpless
maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept the simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince you
and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious, and I do not need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what is behind them.

Perhaps that is why prayer works sometimes for some people,
because God is mute and does not give advice, or try to fix things,
"They" just listen and let you work it out for yourself.

So please listen and just hear me
and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn;

And I will listen to you.

Author unknown

Am I a bad son?

I am just back from a week in the UK. Leaving aside the rough crossing back on the overnight boat (previous boats canceled by the weather) next to a woman with some of the smelliest feet I have ever known (so no sleep)...

I no longer have a father. His body is there, but there is almost nothing left of the essence that made him what he was. I was only just getting to know him properly, and now Mr. Alzheimer has snatched him away from me. I would scream out that eternal cry - "It's not fair!", except that I don't remember it saying 'fair' on the description of life.

Alzheimer's is supposed to be a gradual disease. I saw my dad decline so far in 6 days - never mind the change in the 6 weeks since I previously saw him. From being a man who strode through life, he is now a shrunken shadow of himself - lost and confused. I can't even write this without crying...

I don't think I will see my dad at home ever again...