I am just back from a week in the UK. Leaving aside the rough crossing back on the overnight boat (previous boats canceled by the weather) next to a woman with some of the smelliest feet I have ever known (so no sleep)...
I no longer have a father. His body is there, but there is almost nothing left of the essence that made him what he was. I was only just getting to know him properly, and now Mr. Alzheimer has snatched him away from me. I would scream out that eternal cry - "It's not fair!", except that I don't remember it saying 'fair' on the description of life.
Alzheimer's is supposed to be a gradual disease. I saw my dad decline so far in 6 days - never mind the change in the 6 weeks since I previously saw him. From being a man who strode through life, he is now a shrunken shadow of himself - lost and confused. I can't even write this without crying...
I don't think I will see my dad at home ever again...
I no longer have a father. His body is there, but there is almost nothing left of the essence that made him what he was. I was only just getting to know him properly, and now Mr. Alzheimer has snatched him away from me. I would scream out that eternal cry - "It's not fair!", except that I don't remember it saying 'fair' on the description of life.
Alzheimer's is supposed to be a gradual disease. I saw my dad decline so far in 6 days - never mind the change in the 6 weeks since I previously saw him. From being a man who strode through life, he is now a shrunken shadow of himself - lost and confused. I can't even write this without crying...
I don't think I will see my dad at home ever again...
3 comments:
Dementia of all sorts is incredibly hard. I was somewhat lucky with my husband because I was pretty much the one one he had useful memories of. With his mom, he got stuck in an argument from years earlier and the same conversation just happened over and over for the last 12 months of his life. Similar action, but not an argument with his brother. Watching the pain they went through continually reminded me that I was "the lucky one". He didn't form new memories but the routine of the day provided us with new things to talk about.
You are not a bad son. You are just going through the nightmare of dementia-world.
The positive side, if there is one, is that it doesn't sound like your Dad knows what going on so please don't feel guilty about your present or past relationship with him.
Nurture and care for yourself. Try and find a way to find peace with what was, not what could have been.It is not selfish, it is called surviving....
You are not a bad son....you are just in pain for your loss. God bless you and give you strength, the strength that you need to get through this...remember your mother needs you.
I am so very sorry...it is such a terrible disease...
My thoughts are with your family
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