OOC

Out of control

At the end of November, I felt that everything was going well. I had a job that I enjoyed, things were getting on track, and even though I was not making a lot of money, I was just about making enough to survive.

And then I had the bad migraine in early December, and since then my life has gone out of control again. Instead of feeling like a stone with the waves breaking around me, I am back to being a leaf, tossed about on the currents of life's stream. And it seems that the harder I try to get my feet back on the ground, the worse the currents flow and the more of a buffeting I get.

So we will see what the doctor says tomorrow and take it from there. I get the feeling that I am moving into another conflict at work, despite my trying to avoid it.

By the way - does anyone know a cure for claustrophobia?

...and a bad day to follow

Today I learned a new degree of panic.

It was scan-day today. Not Tuesday, but scan-day. I had a nice breakfast, and then it seemed that everything I tried to do made me later. Everything from not being able to find all the paperwork I needed to being stuck in a queue of traffic. As a result, I ended up getting to the hospital late and flustered.

It was not too bad to start with. I was laid down on the bed and then the cage was put around my head. That was bad, but after that i went into the scanner. I immediately pressed the panic button as I was panicking. They fixed a mirror and I just managed to survive the first lot of scans that took about 20 minutes. Then they told me that they needed to do some more, so I was taken out of the machine and given an injection to 'improve the contrast' for my blood flow. It was when they put me back in for the third time that I really panicked! I could not take another moment.

When I sat up on the table I felt horrible. I thought it was bad, but whern I stood up, I walked about 3 paces and then fainted. I thought it was only in films where people walked a couple of paces and then fainted - now I know it is for real. My last recollection was of the nurse (who was small and slightly built) shouting for help as I went down.

The next thing I remember was lying on the floor. It took about 10 minutes to get up, and it was difficult to hear that the next person in was a 7 year old!

After that, I went for a coffee, and then called on Sean, the Disability Employment Officer. I told him some of the things that have been happening at work. I am going to see my GP on Thursday, so I have to work a long day tomorrow.

So that is where things stand now. I will keep you posted.

A bad weekend...

This has not been a good weekend.

For those of you I have not told, I went to visit my parents this weekend. It was not a restful or relaxing time. My father thinks that the manageress of the place where he is staying is very good, the food is good and there are plenty of things for him to read. He has been looked after by her since his wife died when she was 49. (The person who he thinks is the manageress is his wife - my mum).

We went for a walk together. We just went round the block - along one side of the canal, across the bridge, down the other side and back again. He was in better shape than the previous time I saw him. He walked well, and we got round at a good pace. And yet, there was no interest in him. Trying to attract his attention and get him to look at things or to talk. He was walking, and so we walked.

And he talks. We used to be able to talk about all manner of things, and to have long discussions. Now he talks at you. And it is hard to follow his conversation. I am sure he can follow the links but it comes out with bits missing. He knows he has a bad memory, but it really frustrates him. And because you can't tell what he is thinking, it is very hard to help him find the words.

This has been the hardest post to write. Please forgive me, but I am going to go and cry...

Saturday

Well I don't know what to put here (no change there). It has been a mixed week.

The doctor and the dentist were fine on Tuesday - apart from wanting me to use a sensitive toothpaste. And then on Wednesday, the whole week got derailed. I went in as usual, but started feeling off-colour even before I got to the salesfloor. I could not eat my lunch and then just after 2 I was sick. Everyone was telling me to go home, but I did not want to risk the bus, so I waited until the day finished and I could get a lift. I got homwe and went to bed, and did not get up until midday the following day. I hardly ate a thing for 2 days.

Now I feel a bit better, but I am still weak. My appetite is still not back to normal, but I will try to work through it. So back into work for an 8 1/2 hour day. Anyone fancy taking my place?

So what have you all been up to?

The BodyRockers*

The first 2 days of this week have been a very moving experience. On Monday morning, I moved the underwear at work (that being the department I am responsible for). On Monday afternoon I was told it was in the wrong place so I had to start moving it all back again. And then this morning, the assistant manager came and looked at it and decided it was all wrong, so it all had to be moved again! It is so disheartening to keep moving things around - it messes up the store and confuses the customers. And don't forget that while lugging this stuff around, I am 'on light duties and sitting down' (yeah right!)

With the wind and the rain, and the late finishes, it is hard to realise that we are getting into the year. I noticed when I came home on the bus on Monday that there was light in the sky for a lot longer than I had previously noticed. We are already a week in and more, and the days are getting longer. It may be a few months away but spring is coming. Of course, the other give away is that we are already getting summer clothes in. I think it is crazy - coming into the coldest and darkest part of winter and they get rid of all the thick sweaters and replace them with t-shirts and shorts - go figure that one out?

Oh well ...

* Why is this post called the BodyRockers? They had a hit song called "I Like The Way You Move"

Made for corners

Have you noticed how some people seem made for centre-stage? They come in and attract attention - some do it deliberately, while others do it naturally.

I am not like that. I noticed it again when I was in church on Christmas Day. I was at St Johns, and felt most comfortable in the back corner. Don't ask me why, but I feel I am made for corners. I feel more comfortable there. I do not mind doing the minor things, the unimportant things, the little things. maybe that is why I like working in the shop? it is not the most glamourous of jobs, nor the best paid.

Just because I am in a corner, it doesn't make me insignificant. Just think of a stage performance. For the star of the show, how many people work behind the scenes. Or consider the credits on a film. Look how many actors are listed, and then all the people who work behind the scenes to make it all happen.

So let's hear it for the people in corners - the ones who do the 'little' jobs without which the bigger things could not be accomplished. Let's hear it for all the foot soldiers in a world of generals!

A bit more news

Blein vie noa to you all.

Though whether it will be a blein vie (a good year) may well depend on the 22nd of January. On that day, I have to go for an MRI scan at the local hospital. The appointment letter was waiting for me when I got home from work tonight. I am not sure whether I want them to find something or to find nothing. If they find nothing then it means that I don't know what has been causing the problems - if they find something I will know what it is and what I am up against.

And if that was not enough. I sit down tonight to eat my sandwiches and read a little to relax after work. I am reading 'Full Circle' by Michael Palin. And on the first entry I read that he gets a message to call his wife to be told she has a benign brain tumour. Just what I needed to read!

So we will have to see if it will be a blein vie or a blein drogh (a good year or a bad year).

Update... I had to put the appointment back a week as I could not afford to lose the hours that week. I am already leaving an hour early on the Friday so I can catch an earleir flight to the 'other island' to see my parents - so losing 2 or 3 more hours was just too big an amount to make up in the week.